Chasing the Spark: ADHD, Burnout, and Guilt

It’s been roughly 4 weeks since my last post, not great for my “1 post a week” goal. Rather than pretending like it didn’t happen, I thought this would be a good opportunity to share what it’s like to live with ADHD and some of the troubles that come with it.

The ADHD Superpower

I’ve never been one to use my neurotype as an excuse, even before my official diagnosis, I’d known my brain was different. I truly believe I am successful; not in spite of my brain, but because of it. I can quickly and easily recognize patterns, and I’m always looking for ways to improve upon processes. Understanding complex systems; how one small change in a chain would affect something down the line, came naturally to me even at a young age.

I often hear this type of ability and the phenomenon known as ADHD “hyperfocus” referred to as superpowers. While they can be beneficial when properly wielded (or when the stars align), if you ask someone who actually has ADHD, they’re not always thrilled. More often than not, we don’t get to choose our hyper-fixations, when they arise, or when they’ll mysteriously disappear, leaving behind a void of motivation and purpose.

Sure, on a particularly good brain day I may be able to do a week or more’s worth of work in a single day if left uninterrupted, but the downside it that also likely means I’ve completely ignored my body. At the end of the day it’s unlikely I’ve eaten anything, and all too common to have the same cup full of untouched water in front if me. I’ve also likely sunken into my chair in some gremlin position and when I’ve awoken from the ADHD trance my body will be in incredible pain.

I’m lucky to have ended up in a career where I’m presented with interesting and unique challenges and opportunities that help keep my brain engaged and interested. The downside is that when a particular project or problem is long running or requires intense levels of focus and coordination over an extended period, it can become a hyper-fixation, causing me to want to pour all of my time and energy into it. This leads to a cycle of intense productivity followed by an equally intense period of burnout as the project winds down and there’s a lull in the thrill of deadlines and pressure to perform.

From Blazing to Burning Out

Burn out is different for everyone, and it can also vary within individuals depending on the cause. I’ve had periods of burnout so bad that even the motivation to get out of bed doesn’t exist, little is interesting, and nothing feels worth doing. Thankfully over the years I’ve found ways to identify the signs of burnout begging to set in, and can mitigate the damage before it takes hold.

These days it tends to look more like decreased productivity, both personally and professionally, and a retreat into dopamine rich media consumption; preferring mindless scrolling or video games, over reading or listening to a mentally engaging podcast.

Using the spoon theory metaphor I may find that a daily supply of 10-12 spoons can shrink to only 5 or 6. Because I like having a job, and I have a family to support that means most of my mental energy gets dedicated to work, even though productivity may drop some, I need to spend most of my available capacity on work tasks. By the time work is over, I may be down to only one or two spoons for the rest of the evening; having to choose between making and eating dinner, playing with my toddler, or helping maintain the house becomes a difficult, and guilt inducing decision.

Habits, Overwhelm, Task Avoidance, and Guilt

Many ADHDers talk about how they can’t form habits, not that it’s hard, or that they’re unwilling to work at it, or even that they can’t stick to doing something; but rather that it never really becomes “automatic” they way neurotypical people describe them. Almost everything I do, I’m consciously aware of, I don’t think I’ve ever woken up, brushed my teeth, and taken a shower on “autopilot.” For me it’s a series of steps, “convince myself to get out of bed, walk to bathroom, turn on sink, wet toothbrush, put on toothpaste, brush (make sure you’re counting!), spit, rinse, wash.” From there it’s another similar sequence of steps to shower, get dressed, or do just about anything; and if somewhere in the chain something goes wrong, well then the whole task is off the rails. If my toothpaste isn’t where it’s supposed to be, I may end up changing a lightbulb and forgetting to brush my teeth because I got sidetracked by a flicker looking for the dang toothpaste.

I bring this up because of it’s relevance to my posts. I managed to go an entire year, 52 weeks of writing a post a week, if a habit was going to form, surely that was enough time. Lo and behold, Helene impacts the southwest US where we have friends and family and I spend a weekend communicating and coordinating rather than writing. You think I’d be able to just pick it right back up and either post late or just skip a week, but because I’ve had a break in the pattern everything gets thrown out the window.

In my mind, because I missed a week I’ve now got to write two posts. This is not an expectation placed upon me by others, but something my brain has convinced itself of. Now I’m stressed and overwhelmed trying to think of what to write, and how I’m going to put out two posts. The brain gremlins begin their scheming and now I’ve got voices of disappointment swirling in my head because I failed to meet some completely made up and arbitrary goal.

This is where task avoidance comes into play. The internal monologue turns from disappointment to apathy, “Well, I’ve failed, so what’s the point in trying now. Might as well just stop.” This fights with the other parts of my brain that are concerned with the commitment I made to myself, and the fact that the entire point of setting personal goals is to try to improve and achieve something. Now there’s an unrelenting guilt building inside because I told myself I would do this, and there’s no reason I should stop. “It’s not that hard, just sit down and write. You do this all the time, just write.”

Task avoidance and Task paralysis are often seen externally as a lack of motivation or discipline. I can tell you first hand, there is nothing else I am focused on than the task I am unable to do. The internal voices of shame, anger and guilt at my inability to do seemingly simple tasks, especially if I’ve done them before.

Just Start Moving

Something I’ve found that often helps when I finally realize I’m in one of these ruts is to “make a deal” with myself. Sure it sounds childish and silly, but “lets just clean for 5 minutes,” can often turn into a completed task, because once I’ve started a task, it turns out it might not be that big of a challenge and after 5 minutes I’m either almost done, or I’ve found some motivation to keep going, even if only for a few more minutes, it’s more progress than if I’d done nothing.

I used to laugh at the corny quote painted in the foyer of my high school, “Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you’ll land among the stars.” As I’ve grown, listened to mentors, and mentored others myself, I find that while corny, there’s a great message hidden in there. When you set goals for yourself, even if you don’t achieve a perfect 100% outcome, you’ve still improved, you still made progress, and can now either try again, or push for even farther goals now.

A great example of this is people who do marathons; sure, you might not run your entire first marathon, you might need a break, but you still completed a freaking marathon, that’s 26.2 miles more than someone sitting on their couch. Next time maybe you’ll run for longer; or even the whole thing, maybe you’ll run 2 marathons next year.

Perfection is the enemy of progress. As long as we keep trying, even if we stumble, we improve; and for me, that’s something to be proud of.